REGENERATE MIND | BODY
It’s day one (1) of my period and I have one wish and the wish never seems to change.
“Dear universe, may I please feel most of the month like I feel today”? But instead, most of the month I feel quite the opposite.
Let me tell you about my journey this far.
It’s 8:30 on the 30th of August 2019, I am sitting in the waiting rooms of the gynaecologist. I am here for a check up after spending a night in hospital doing brain scans CT and MRI, after having an episode that felt like I was dying of a HUGE brain tumour. According to the neurologist, I have a beautiful functioning, healthy brain, yah!! The only thing is: I wish it felt like I had a beautiful functioning brain, but instead I feel like a sour porridge head most of the days – so we move on from here. What about the milk in my breasts, could that maybe suggest hormonal complications or worse cancer? It’s now day 5 into my cycle. Blood results suggest everything is absolutely, normal. Cool what next……? What the hell, if all is so bloody normal then why do I feel so shit most of the time.
I guess it’s time to face the music….. next level…
Psychiatrist!!
The shit is going down, I need some serious answers!!!
Psychiatrists suggest I book into a clinic where I get to work with phycologists, psychiatrists and a team of trained individuals on a daily basis to get to the root of my symptoms. I have no problem with that, I really need and want to get to the bottom of this.
So, I get to spend three (3) weeks in the company of lovely people, I get to talk through my human experiences, align with some coping skills and get a diagnosis, GAD, generalized anxiety disorder tha da!!! – great stuff not that bad hey, I thought Bipolar was on the radar for my existence. Thank goodness I get to free myself from the shackles of THAT beast. Best of all I get to take home a heap of drugs, mood stabilizers, anti-depressants, and tranquilizers with the hope of “new beginnings”. 🙌 I got what I came for – a diagnosis!!! This is going to make it all better. I’m gonna work through this and become a better person. I must for my family’s sake.
Oh my gosh – here we go again!!
In tears, heart pounding, I am furious, I hate my partner we are toxic, soooo irritated with the kids, the dogs, pin vision, my brain is in a bubble, anxiety spiking, trembling, sweating, why the hell can I NOT just get one night good sleep, I hate my life, I want to give up, my daughter will be better off with her dad, I can’t think straight, I want to lock myself away, fuck them I am not having dinner with them, I hate that they laugh, happy while I am struggling, I hate my job, I suck at everything, why the hell does my partner look at other women, he’s hunting for someone else, this relationship is not good enough, I scream at the kids, out of control, my head is spinning, I am soooo tired, I don’t want to get out of my bed, I am alone, so freaking alone, I feel sick, the bloatedness is unbearable I can’t breathe, I’ve been constipated for days, my boobs are like two painful balloons, I am sooooo depressed, WTF, I try so hard to control things, but it’s out of my hands. NO NO NO to this life….
First day of my period, I feel like a butterfly, light, lifted… myself – HELLO!! The shame creeps in,tail between my legs I apologize to my partner and ask him to please not leave me but to stand by me, I am soooo sorry always sorry…… till we meet the dragon again, the dragon I can’t understand, the dragon that destroys everything in its path, the dragon of hate, the dragon of fear, guilt, shame, anger, despair I cannot take it anymore. She’s a disgrace to humanity, she has no heart – and this is NOT who I am in my soul. Where do I go, time after time.
I wean myself of all the meds, they are not helping and seems to be making things worse. Back at the neurologist, I spend some time with him, I refuse to go back to the psychiatrist who wants to keep me on the meds that don’t work, I have worked through my human experiences and have forgiven. Why the hell do I still go through these episodes- due to my past the neurologist diagnoses it as chronic stress disorder – back on meds to help me through this. I go for an assessment with a neurophysiologist who diagnosed me with depression! WTF I do NOT have depression; I am a happy person with dreams and aspirations.
I take on courses in meditation, yoga, spiritual coaching and read one self – help book after the other. I engage in a morning ritual of movement, meditation, and journalling. Yet the dragon keeps coming back month after month after month.
It’s 11:00 on the 8th of November 2022 I am in the gynaecologist rooms going through my history. She looks at me in admiration, “honey you should have come to see me a long time ago – you have severe PMDD”!!! And so my new journey begins, I immediately start taking meds to balance and keep my hormones balanced not causing the fluctuation. It is the 14th Of November, I have been taking these meds for the last 7 days and I feel free, I have not felt this clear headed, great and calm in as long as I can remember. Calmness!! it’s so peaceful here.
Now as I look back and reflect, I realise, since my early twenties there’s been something different about me, qualities that’s not normal for the average young person. I made no effort to explore the emotions and blamed my moods and reactions all on a “toxic” relationship and inner child experiences. At the age of 30 I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl and then went further to blame my “unwell” nature on the fact that I am now a mother of a very busy baby. As time progressed so did my mental health. By the age of 39 I was divorced thinking I am now on my way to a happy life, surprise, surprise huni this is the beginning of an even longer road than you anticipated. At the age of 40 I met my husband a relationship with potential and exceptional qualities, but here I am again and again trying to destruct everything good I have.
I am now hopeful and for the 1st time feel that I am on the path to a better-quality life. I look back and feel sorry for the inner me that had to go through the last lifetime feeling so horrible, and I do not wish this upon my worst enemy – arggg I hope I don’t have any!!
PMDD is real and it’s a destructive and a debilitating condition, to heart and soul. Get help if you feel you have this condition.
As for me I am finally on my way to a better-quality life at the age of 45 and I thank the universe for this journey. I am ready to serve others on this road.
